We went a night without him and I actually felt safe for once but in a different way. The afternoon came and A.B took the kids to the mall I felt just down to go anywhere after knowing he would be home any minute. I looked out the window and the sky was crying with me.
The door bell rings. My tata welcomed him with open arms knowing everything he had said and done. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” All my tata could said you’re home.. warm up and eat the food will get cold. He looked at A.B and my brother, “I’m sorry, I really am sorry..I f**ked up. “He tried looking at me and all I could say was You need to help yourself to get better. He went upstairs and cried to my mom. I’m not sure what trick he pulled this time for her to forget about everything but I made it clear I would be moving out for my sanity and for my own good.
“Samantha are you here?” Yes, I was napping. “Look I’m sorry I really messed up please stay I don’t think you should move. “ I know I may not be ready but I will make myself. For my own good. You need to understand people run out of sorries and to here MY own dad call me a B**ch and to say he is not longer my dad and just all this stuff ..I RATHER BE DEAD THAN TO HEAR IT..I rather be hurt physically than for my OWN dad to say this to me. He walked towards me to hug as I teared but I just couldn’t hug of how frustrated and ill I felt. “Look what else do you want me to say.I said I am sorry…you know I would never hurt you” But you did dad… you did and you hurt me where it really hurts. “So you don’t want to help me get better?” Me moving is step one I want you to SEE that the things you are doing can push the ones you love away and I don’t want to pushed even further than I am. I am willing to go to ANY counseling or therapies but I just won’t be living here. “You don’t want to help me then if you want to move.”I just said tho I am willing to go to therapies! “But why go if you’re not going to live here?”
Just because I move doesn’t mean I can’t participate in anything…I am still part of this family aren’t I? “Well…” He just shrugged and it stabbed me once again in the heart…
You know all this AND your club you go to all the time is why I can’t show my face. You haven’t fixed what has been broken but you act like a family over there. “What has been broken? just because I messed up this one time? really? what did my club do to you?”
ONE TIME!? What about me being little you locking me out…what about all the divorce threats and good byes you told me..what about all the bruises I have seen on her since a little girl..what about when YOU choked her in front of us and slapped me AND threw glass at me..what about when you call me a B**ch and say you’re not my DAD! that was one time????? “Okay a few times what else do you want me to do I said sorry.” Sorry can’t fix a broken heart..NOTHING can fix this but you getting help YOURSELF!
“Your mom doesn’t think my club is a problem watch..HEY come down…Samantha doesn’t want to help me get better and she thinks my club is a problem.”
Wait first of all I didn’t say that …stop changing my words I told you I am moving for myself as I think its best for ME and I am willing to go to ANY therapies to help this family. “You know maybe the club is a problem as everything involves alcohol thats something we should work on to work on us and the family.” FINALLY sense was knocked into her… “I don’t need to quit this club tho if that’s what you’re saying..and if you are tell me now so we can get a divorce..”
So did he learn yet? Nope. Did he seek help? No. Did I move? Yes.
I am broken until this day when I walk through that house. A house is supposed to bring these wonderful childhood memories and supposed to feel like home but in this case it brings me nightmares and fear. I pray every night that the cycle end and he sees the light.
I pray I won’t lose her because of a fight. My dreams won’t end here tho I will still work to succeed but with a broken piece that will stay pushing me for my brothers and sister and grandparents and for ME.
Like I told A.B I will always love them for who they raised me to be and what strong mentality I have grown but it will be hard for me to forget these type of moments that shot me down.