These past days have been rough. As I explained in my previous post my brother whom has a twin, my sister made a decision to move out. He had cried to me a week prior of how he felt anxiety and how my dad’s name calling and yelling has hurt him and got to him. He is currently trying to pursue his career to become a firefighter and it has been hard for him to focus. He tried explaining to me also how to talk to our youngest brother about not letting my dads words shape who he is. Although we have been through a lot I know our youngest brother has a lot on his shoulders about this whole situation. My brother also tried to tell our youngest brother which high school would be best for him.

I explained to both of them although there are so many things we want some things are out of our hands. Yes it would be amazing for out youngest brother to go to the high school I graduated from BUT we are not his guardians nor have his educational rights.

Being the oldest as people say has its flaws. In our situation it has been hard not to say as much or make some changes knowing things are wrong. It also hurts to see my younger siblings going through some things I went through.

I find out my own mom begins to accuse myself and my grandpa for influencing his decision to move. She didn’t ask but demand to know why we could do such a thing. Then to say they are taking my brother, selling the house and moving. Which I missed to say is my grandfathers home.
To then find out her and my father YELLED at my grandfather. My grandfather had a open heart surgery last year and well stress is not good for him as it isn’t for anyone.

For my father to yell at my grandpa saying that he has no respect for him and saying more hurtful words. It hurts to know my own mom once again did not stand up. Instead she joined.

The next day I receive ANOTHER text from my mom demanding me to stop talking to my brother of which high school he should go to because it’s overwhelming him. What the hell….I didn’t even tell him where he should go to our other brother did? But once again SHE accuses me.

You know last year my brother had an explosion yelling at me at it ended with him reflecting on himself how him yelling made him feel bad. I didn’t yell back, I let him yell. WE are ALL human and it is okay to get mad. I let him express himself. He then apologized and I explained to him although it is okay to yell out your anger he has to remember when he does it to loved ones well he will run out of sorry’s and well could loose them. He then said just like our dad.

My mom asked if we could talk after her accusing me again..she explained her mother role, she explained how she apologized to my aunt and grandpa for accusing them.

I told her…” I never received an apology but I was accused once again.” She then tried to apologize but this goes back to the lesson I showed my brother. My mom has apologized all these years for not backing me up when it came to my dad, she apologized for failing me as a mom, she apologized for letting my dad yell at me the way he did, she has apologized for him for MANY things and now once again.

She has ran out. As I begged her for therapy YEARS ago…now she want to invite me to a session but once all this damage has been done.

What I do know my relationship with my own parents not what it used to be.

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