8 months and numb.

I remember everything as if it was yesterday.

I remember the pain as if it were yesterday.

I feel numb. 

No tears. No smiles. Just numb.

I have a life ahead of me and it is amazing!

I built this gate where I decided to not let them in. Inside this gate I have grew in my job, my education, my health and as a person.

When people speak of parents, memories, drinking … I become numb.

I don’t cry but I remain numb.

I grew from it and I shared my story. 

They keep knocking on my gate and it is SO tempting to let them in as they are my parents…but I freeze at the door handle. Pain, betrayed, lost, scared, hurt block me from letting them in. I prefer to send notes through the cracks. 

I shared with a friend recently how my numbness is hard to explain. I once seen these parents as the King and Queen. Everything they thought, everything they liked, everything they laughed at, everything they smiled about was just THE WAY. I went by it. I thought that was the ONLY way.

To get shut out it felt as if they stabbed me many times and just walked away and laughed… humiliation. Pain. Betrayal. Why? What did I do to you? You said I will always be your little girl…you lied you hurt me. 

I gotta go…the other side of my gate holds a beautiful destination and I don’t plan to lose that.

I hate the things you do but I still love you.