I’ve been hurt mulitiple times by him. Mentally I have thrown flags with the pain he has given. 

Just then I get notified he is in the hospital for heart failure…

Before this pain I was the one who rushed to the hospital and began freaking out and cry. 

Now…I’m mad at myself for not knowing what emotion to feel. Something is happening to my dad and I don’t know what to feel….I’m not happy because I would not ever wish him bad no matter what…I’m not seeking revenge…I am sad but I do not feel it. Why am I not reacting….
Years of pain…year through depression…pain seeking therapy and now I have to switch but I feel emotionally numb and I am mad at myself for it… WHY AM I NOT REACTING…

I feel my past is erased and I feel as if my pain did that..which I hate because there were things I loved and treasured…what is happening …

I’m checking in with my mom on my dad will be going to visit …I wish I can feel again.

Erase my past….erase the scars of pain…

Erase those nights …erase those words…erase those hits…

Erase those let downs..erase it and help me feel again …

The last thing I want is for him to leave and we never talked about why I was in pain…why we disconnected…why he missed out on part of my life…