He sat in the hospital bed in isolation.

Day 3 I still showed up and hung up the memories that haunt me and was there for family.

“His heart is at 40% and his kidney just shut off.”

Its serious right?

It felt as if I had no emotions but in reality I had to many to really feel.

Day 3 of going to the hospital I sat in front of the bed as he had machines surrounding him.

*SILENCE…

What could we talk about? how life is going? How is life as you are healing?

SILENCE…

Tears and hard breathing broke the silence…

“I am sorry….I want to be a good person…I am sorry for hurting you…I am sorry for being a bad dad….I am sorry for anything I did to hurt you I love you and want to live to see you all grow up…

I want to get better to have our family back…

I am sorry…”

 

SILENCE…

I told him he just needs to get better…

You know these past 6 years an apology or recognition of my pain is what I wanted. Not a petty I am sorry. Him stepping up and recognized HOW he hurt me.

I am not getting into the cycle…

I accept the apology…I text him once I am home to just thank him for putting my feelings into consideration..

But it doesn’t just go away.

How do I know he is really sorry…he is at life or death pretty much. Is he saying it to get better then go to the old ways? well…baby steps

We are now 2 months of him being out of the hospital and he has remained in his car club…smokes…still competes…talks and has to have his way…

Beginning to unleash his old self..

I gave him a trial to see if he would pass his death bed promises and I do not 100% believe them…

 

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