It has taken me hours, days and months.

It has been hard to identify my feelings. Before I continue I would like to share I have been chasing my dreams and kicking ass at it too.

Anyways…

There have been people who met me or surrounded me through the times I lived in pain, confusion and just lost.

I can say how I felt then right now but at the moment it’s hard to. I was raised with both my mom and dad. I have 50% of my life where I had the most amazing childhood..we went to Disneyland, family reunions, family parties, family trips, quads, camping and so much more…

The other 50% was the cussing, the threats, the holes in the wall, the times he called me out of my name, the times he belittled me and my mom, the times I locked myself in my room because the yelling got so ugly, the times I went upstairs to try to fix everything.

It’s hard to tell somebody I am so distraught and broken but also just had the most amazing weekend with my family but then just got told I was a bitch but then given a car.

I admit I was fucked up in the head. How do I know what was real and what was not. They are my parents and the things that were said and done sometimes were just surreal.

It’s not a good feeling. It made me feel small compared to others. I felt I was a failure but my job would tell me I would do amazing. My dad said all I cared about was myself and never helped. But then others would tell me the opposite. I began living to please.

It was hard. It was draining. Plus to be an adolescent. That was just living hell. Trying to fit in but making sure I was as perfect as can be at home. Also making sure my friends thought I was cool and not boring. But also making sure I had no Bs otherwise I would hear my dad yell at me to go get pregnant or go do drugs mind as well.

Now I’m 24. I wish I could go back in time and just give me a hug and tell myself you are beautiful, you are smart, you will do amazing! Don’t wait for you dad to tell you believe it because it’s true.

Those of you who have children tell them how much you love them. Tell them how proud you are of them. I can’t tell you how much I wish my dad acknowledged my school work. He may have thought it but it was never enough. It hurts until today.

The only person I wanted to hear from is my dad. Not the president, not a celebrity, not my grandparents, not my boss, not my mom, not my boyfriend just my dad.

He said it once he hurt me emotionally. He said it when I asked him. After we yelled about why I didn’t want him going to my presentation just so he sees he doesn’t acknowledge it.

Learn about your kids. Don’t be their friend but get in their minds. Know what they like, if you tell them not to do something tell them why..they aren’t asking to be a smart ass they are trying to reason with you and understand themselves.

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